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  • cr8tv65
    replied
    In our house I am the dialysis patient (soon to be) but it is my husband who is reacting with anger and insults and threats of violence. It is depression and should be treated as a separate condition. In men depression shows up as anger that they can't control. My husband finally got the help he needed and a therapist and meds so he could come to grips with his fear of my condition and losing me. We have been married 36 years and because I suffer from depression I was able to weather his storms because I know how it feels to not want to yell, get angry, cry or think thoughts you have no control over. I could never walk away from a partner who is facing both depression and dialysis. They can be impossible to talk to because everything you say seems to make them madder, but if you care don't give up. Once John got the right meds and a professional to talk to he changed 180 degrees and now we can discuss his fears and I can at last help him understand what we can expect with my illness. Maybe someone on the kidney team can determine if his depression is bad enough for treatments.

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  • CaitlynAtDaVita
    replied
    Hi, KimberlyW. Welcome to the myDaVita community! I'm so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. Many members here have gone through/are going through similar things. It can be especially tough on the spouses and family members of those with CKD. I hope you'll find this community to be a great support system to you, and can get the advice you need. Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions or concerns!

    Your Community Manager,
    Caitlyn
    Originally posted by KimberlyW View Post
    I totally feel what you are going through. my husband has ESRD and has basically been in a depression about what he is going through since it started back in June 2011. I try to get him to understand that I am going through this also, just not like how he is, but I guess it doesn't matter. he says I do not support him enough or at all. I try to, without being a nagging wife, but I guess it doesn't help. this is my first time on here also and talking with other's might be helpful for me and him.

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  • KimberlyW
    replied
    Originally posted by veritat View Post
    Can relate. My husband is not physical, but verbally he can be insulting, disrespectful, very angry in the snap of a finger, as well as putting me down. In the same token, he has been second guessing himself about things I KNOW he knows. He has worked on cars forever, now he keeps saying I don't know how to do it, but I know he does, he also puts himself down. He's a good person going through a huge change, he needs to remember that I am also going through that change too, if in a different way.

    I totally feel what you are going through. my husband has ESRD and has basically been in a depression about what he is going through since it started back in June 2011. I try to get him to understand that I am going through this also, just not like how he is, but I guess it doesn't matter. he says I do not support him enough or at all. I try to, without being a nagging wife, but I guess it doesn't help. this is my first time on here also and talking with other's might be helpful for me and him.

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  • meandmymonkey
    replied
    I'm the caregiver in my house. I'm the dialysis patient,: two transplants and a total of 16 years on dialysis (last three on PD, thank goodness). I have two kids at home for the summer. My wife works 10 hour days as a nurse - I think she prefers being at work to being home. There's something you folks might find interesting, maybe even helpful, for your situation. Depression and anger seem to be easier to access when I'm on dialysis. It's as though they live at the top of my spine and come and go through my outward behavior as they please. Even though PD has been a blessing, I stare at those damn boxes in our foyer every day. I think, "I'll go do something," and then realize it's time to set up the machine again. Or it's time to hang a manual bag ... again. Caregivers, I strongly urge you to soften your approach towards your angry dialysis patients. I have been trying to get my wife to soften her approach for years, but can't seem to get the words out right. I'm afraid to ask for anything really, I mean I have already asked her to live with a guy on dialysis. If not for our love prior to my kidney failure, I'm not sure how I'd have a wife. Imagine, for a moment, me asking a woman out! When would I do that? Some people here have said, "walk away." Perhaps in some situations, that's what a person would have to do. But try to remember - when you walk away, you are doing something dialysis patients CANNOT do. We cannot walk away, ever. Tell your angry man, or woman, that you love them. Don't wait for him to say "Happy Anniversary," say it to him! As caregivers, I think the hardest but most important thing to do is to be proactively loving. All the rest, the health stuff, will work itself out.

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  • itsmike
    replied
    Wow just hearing all that i need to step back and think bout whT im doin wrond

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  • DKbranom
    replied
    Thank you for your input. My husband has been in counseling for years thru the VA group sessions and one on one with his psych. I was in group for spouses for years but this ended when we moved to a different town. And the counseling we got was based on PTSD but also covered other issues. He can be nice, when he wants to, but since I am the one living with him I get the worst of him. Now that he as been Diagnosed as Stage 5 he is nearly moving out of his recliner. Hr went to a lake with son and kids, camped in our travel trailer for 3 days. He wouldn't go out in the boat, which is ours, just stayed at the trailer. Said he had a good time, just rested. He "rests" at least 10-11 hours at night and most days spends 6-8 hours in his recliner. I am still here, which just goes to show that I care I guess. I am still frustrated with the food issue but after finding the food analyzer last night I began to feel somewhat better. Our kids are scattered, both in state and out of state, so they aren't able to help out. The youngest and her husband and kids are very supportive but due to jobs, etc. are not able to be here too often. So I will just keep trucking along, taking one day at a time. Thanks again for the input.

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  • ffflower
    replied
    Dear DKbranom,

    I'm am very sorry that you and your husband are experiencing a very difficult time. You have found a great site to come to vent. We understand your struggles. During this trying time is very important to take care of your own emotional and physical needs. Are there any family members, friends or neighbors that can help to ease some of your burdens? Is there someone that could speak to your husband on your behalf? Have you thought about marriage counseling? If he refuses to consider counseling, what about individual counseling for yourself? A care giver support group might offer a great place to voice your concerns and fears and more importantly gain much needed support. Is is very important that you know that during this stressful time that you need to be respected, heard, honored and never abused. This is a very hard time for both of you. Please keep us updated on your situation.

    As for an all in one food list, I have found several that I like. Davita's food analyzer is very helpful. It list the 3P & sodium. It is located under Davita tools. I found a nephrology practice in Indiana which has a complete food list, too. Their website is www.nephinc.com. The kidney diet app for smart phones is very helpful, too. You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  • DKbranom
    replied
    I know I'm not the only one with a spouse that is disrespectful, hurting comment, angry at the world. Nevertheless, this is a new challenge for me. It's not only being the only one who gets up in the morning to do the chores, care for the dogs, water outside, start the laundry, vacuuming etc, etc. but I watch him stay in bed 11 hours, then go to his recliner and sleep some more. Being brand new to this kidney problem, there is so much to digest. He was diagnosed stage 5 just a couple of weeks ago. My biggest frustration is the food issue. I put ups a White board to try to keep track but then he waits til I'm busy in the office or outside to fix himself food. When I ask what he ate he is reluctant to tell me, omitting an item or two. I am having a hard time trying to track the 3 p's and sodium. So I guess I'm just another spouse with the same problems others have.

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  • DKbranom
    replied
    I am brand new to this and am very frustrated. My husband is stage 5, fistula surgery 7-1, dialysis when fistula is ready. Unless he crashes before then. He is a 100% disabled Vietnam Nam vet with PTSD. He knows what he has to do to stay alive but is in denial to a point. He chose dialysis @VA and listens to what he is told but I see him cutting out and seeming to mentally go somewhere else. We are both retired and spend almost all of our time together. He is really fighting the food battle, not taking responsibility for any food decisions just eating what he wants when he wants. I am used to the angry man with the mean hurtful comments, but I have to do everything, house, money, yard, etc... I need a web site to give me a listing of the 3 p's and sodium in 1 place. Trying to get this info is a shuffle through papers etc. Driving me nuts, if you know what I mean.

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  • lovingwife1
    replied
    It makes me very sad to hear how hard it is for so many caregivers (myself included). We want so much to take away the pain and depression with which our loved ones suffer. It's very frustrating not to be able to wave that magic wand and make it all better. My husband is not abusive or inconsiderate so I guess I'm very lucky. I am the caregiver and he is in ESRD - diagnosed 6 months ago out of nowhere. He goes in and out of depression. It hurts me when I see he is so "dark" and I wish I could make it go away but I can't. Then I get sad and find somewhere in the house to go and cry so he doesn't see me because he's already depressed and I don't want to compound it. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do - to watch my best friend and love of my life suffer the way he does. And I suffer too - but what else can I do? What else can any of us do? All we can do is give our best every day. Some days we rise above and some days we fall down. I guess what I'm saying is get up, brush yourself off and keep on going and do the best you can every day. Don't expect to be perfect - it's not fair to you and it's not fair to the person you are supporting in this illness. If you can keep loving each other in spite of everything you'll be alright - and don't be afraid to communicate. Sometimes you have to say "ouch" to the person you are taking care of so they know you have feelings too. And it's OK to cry - in fact I think it's essential. You have to have some form of release from your sorrow and pain. Some days we cry together. And some days we remember how to laugh too.

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  • mamasanford
    replied
    I am my husband's caregiver. I feel very fortunate not to have to struggle with indifference and/or anger. (Not saying I haven't bit my tongue more than once) We're coming up to the 2nd anniversary of life on dialysis. When I look back, I realize how far we have come.
    I guess what I would like to say is that if you allow him to continue the behavior, nothing will change? Maybe it's time to step up and say that you would like some consideration and that rage WILL NOT be tolerated. You can leave the room/house perhaps, until the "hissy-fit" is over. It may take an hour or a day, YOU decide when to return. I'm betting that it won't take too long before the message is received?? Worth a try?
    Vickymc, I'm so very sorry that this special day, wasn't better for you. Why don't you just treat yourself maybe get a nice potted plant for the garden, go out for lunch with a friend and let the housework wait. I would also tell your daughter to find a babysitter, if you weren't here she would have to??? She also needs a reality check and is taking advantage of you terribly!!!
    ..........and that's my two cents.
    Mamasanford

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  • Vickymc
    replied
    Indifference

    I have been having similar problems with my spouse/caregiver, but I'm the dialysis patient! Since starting dialysis five years ago, he has gradually written me off. There is too much to tell, but two professionals have told me that this is not uncommon. I do everything for myself. I dump the five gallon container of waste solution daily, gather my 6,000ml bags for home PD using the cycler, maintain my supplies, cook, shop, clean (as much as I can around the hoarding he does),plus work three/ten hour days in a daycare infant nursery. I also babysit five grandsons at times during the week, especially on Fridays when my daughter works.This "attitude" has escalated over the years since I had cancer in 2002. Whatever the cause,it's time to grow up! I can't feel sorry for him because of his emotional state, if there is one. I feel he just wants the inconveneince to disappear as he wanted all other conflicts in life to do the same. This has caused me to temporarily put my candidacy as a transplant recipient on "hold". Today is our thirty-ninth wedding anniversry & he has yet to say one word to me. Any others experiencing what I am? I'm also told that the rage you all speak of comes from the imbalace of everything in dialysis & the kidney failure. I haven't experienced this as yet;my frustration is in indifference. Thanks!
    Last edited by Vickymc; 05-18-2013, 04:52 PM.

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  • FSelders
    replied
    I am the care partner, my husband is the patient. I take care of everything as he is legally blind. He has been on dialysis for 20 years now, it has been hard on both of us,we've been on home hemo 4 years now. Recently, I just had a slight bout with depression b/c I really do everything physical in our home. I got really frustrated b/c he doesn't seem to realize I get depressed too. So I have to really fight(mentally), to keep from falling into depression. He tells me thank you and that he appreciates everything I do for him, and I know he does, I just don't feel it.There have been times when I wanted to walk out, but I've seen so many spouses & sig. others leave their ones. So, I want to encourage all care partners to pray & hang in there & I always say "that could be me". I also work full time, so I am doubly tired, but I am here by the grace of God. Be blessed.

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  • ajnk
    replied
    I'm going thru the same sort of thing with my husband. Just as u said about urs, he's very insulting and disrespectful a lot, he's angry a lot and he's also becoming paranoid. I keep trying to hang in there 'cause I know it's very hard for him, but's it's hard for me also.

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  • veritat
    replied
    Can relate. My husband is not physical, but verbally he can be insulting, disrespectful, very angry in the snap of a finger, as well as putting me down. In the same token, he has been second guessing himself about things I KNOW he knows. He has worked on cars forever, now he keeps saying I don't know how to do it, but I know he does, he also puts himself down. He's a good person going through a huge change, he needs to remember that I am also going through that change too, if in a different way.

    Leave a comment:

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