Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Jokes

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    Re: Jokes

    Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other: " funny but I smell carrots too."

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: Jokes

      A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction.

      The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask.

      The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away.
      "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.

      The attorney replies,
      "Sure — as soon as the police leave."
      I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Jokes

        One day I was walking down the beach with
        some friends when someone shouted....
        'Look at that dead bird!'
        Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

        .
        I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Jokes

          Originally posted by Marina View Post
          One day I was walking down the beach with
          some friends when someone shouted....
          'Look at that dead bird!'
          Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

          .
          hi marina, i hope all is well with you. that was so funny, i needed that, as i have been going through it big time, since my temporary return to hemo. thanks for sharing.
          Glo

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: Jokes

            Originally posted by Marina View Post
            One day I was walking down the beach with
            some friends when someone shouted....
            'Look at that dead bird!'
            Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

            .
            Oh Marina....I almost peed my pants...too funny!!!! Thanks for the Laughs!!!!
            2000 - Doctors said I would be on Dialysis within 5 years
            2011 - Still Pre-Dialysis
            Sept 2011 - GFR: 15 Creatine 3.9
            Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. - Mae West
            Doing Good may not do any Good but do GOOD anyway

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: Jokes

              How to Give a CAT a Pill
              1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

              2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

              3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

              4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
              Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

              5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard to assist.
              6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat – this is merely a mild form of protest. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while using a wooden ruler to open mouth. Drop pill into mouth and rub cat's throat vigorously.

              7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

              8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

              9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take the foul taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with cold water and soap.

              10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving just the head showing. Force mouth open with whatever you can find. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

              11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

              12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

              13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

              14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

              15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


              How to Give a DOG a Pill

              1. Wrap the pill in a slice of bacon.
              2. Toss it in the general direction of the dog.
              3. That’s all.
              Boyfriend is the renal patient:

              Diabetes completely controlled with diet
              Hypertension better with the new med schedule.

              PD as of 7/25/2011


              Finally got the call on 12/20/2011 that he has been listed at Cedars Sinai.

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Jokes

                LOL Metrogirl...............I loved it!!
                I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: Jokes

                  Loved these jokes - the cat one especially hits home! I laughed out loud at putting the cat in the cupboard and closing the door on its neck, also "be rough about it." Too funny!
                  sigpic

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Re: Jokes

                    The pill story closely resembles my story on what I go through trying to clean mites from our rescue kitty's ears! I have never, ever had a cat to close off his ears as tightly as he does! He gets wrapped in a towel (a large beach towel) and manages to scratch the living daylights out of me! I have a feeling that his large ears have been messed with a lot.

                    He's a beauty, though!
                    Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease, 17% renal function, 11 years
                    *Non diabetic *Non dialysis
                    High Blood Pressure, controlled


                    "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
                    ~Corrie ten Boom

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: Jokes

                      Originally posted by metrogirl View Post
                      How to Give a CAT a Pill
                      1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

                      2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

                      3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

                      4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
                      Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

                      5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard to assist.
                      6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat – this is merely a mild form of protest. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while using a wooden ruler to open mouth. Drop pill into mouth and rub cat's throat vigorously.

                      7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

                      8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

                      9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take the foul taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with cold water and soap.

                      10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving just the head showing. Force mouth open with whatever you can find. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

                      11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

                      12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

                      13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

                      14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

                      15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


                      How to Give a DOG a Pill

                      1. Wrap the pill in a slice of bacon.
                      2. Toss it in the general direction of the dog.
                      3. That’s all.
                      I was laughing so hard by #6, I could barely read the rest of it! I'm sure my husband & son think I have finally lost my marbles. As the owner of several cats, the visual was too realistic for words! I've read somethjing similar about "how to bathe a cat", but this was funnier!
                      Stage 5 ESDR
                      Diabetic & Hypertension
                      Currently on CAPD & waiting to start CCPD!
                      Diagnosed 8/4/2011 PD started 8/29/11
                      2 hospitalizations in August 2011

                      Let go & let GOD !

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: Jokes

                        Helpful Note on Fridge

                        1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

                        2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

                        3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

                        4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

                        5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

                        6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

                        7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

                        8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

                        9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

                        Love, Your Faithful Dog.
                        I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          You might be a Redneck Dialysis patient if......By Jim Rader
                          If You ask if you can have Budweiser instead of saline. You might be a dialysis redneck
                          If your dialysis machine has a rebel flag or realtree decals on it, you might be a Dialysis redneck
                          If they have to keep asking you to stop bringing your gun, dogs or spit cup to the clinic, You might be a dialysis redneck
                          If your dialysis machine is painted camouflage, you might be a Dialysis redneck
                          If you have a custom tattoo incorporating your Fistula buttons holes, You might be a dialysis redneck.
                          If you tell people that you go over yonder to get tied up to that there contraption, You might be a dialysis redneck.
                          Upon arrival to the dialysis clinic, you ask for the smoking section, you might be a dialysis redneck.
                          If you schedule your clinic appointments around NASCAR's race schedules. You might be a dialysis redneck
                          . God bless you all fellow dialysis patients... Be strong
                          Philippians 4:13
                          I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Amazing and unique kind of jokes are posted by you all. I really like it and enjoy it.
                            Last edited by ArhsubF; 10-21-2014, 06:01 AM.

                            Comment

                            Working...
                            X