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  • Jokes

    As we've all heard laughter is the best medicine, let's start a funnies/jokes thread here

    Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

    "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

    "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

    "I think you're bad luck."
    .
    I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

  • #2
    Re: Jokes

    What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
    Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

    I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Jokes

      Originally posted by Marina View Post
      What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
      Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!


      Omg, i love it. lol
      Boyfriend is the renal patient:

      Diabetes completely controlled with diet
      Hypertension better with the new med schedule.

      PD as of 7/25/2011


      Finally got the call on 12/20/2011 that he has been listed at Cedars Sinai.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Jokes

        Hi Marina, twice I posted a joke and it doesn't show up. What am I doing wrong? I used "post reply"
        Lupus 1976
        Kidney failure
        Partial nephrectomy for kidney cancer in 2007
        10% function- getting ready for dialysis or transplant 2010
        Full nephrectomy for another kidney cancer on other side Dec.10th 2010
        Hemo following surgery for 5 weeks.
        Started CAPD Jan. 18th 2011
        Not diabetic.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Jokes

          Originally posted by Moose View Post
          Hi Marina, twice I posted a joke and it doesn't show up. What am I doing wrong? I used "post reply"
          I'm sure, Moose. Try again and see what happens, they say third time is the charm.
          If you want me to post it for you, PM it to me.

          Take care!
          I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Jokes

            I saw this on www.kidneytimes.com and thought you folks would enjoy it too.

            Can You See Me Now? Waiting Room Tactics to Help Get You Noticed

            By Lori Hartwell, RSN President

            You rushed to get ready and fought traffic all the way to the doctor’s office. You barely made it in time for your appointment and then there you are, an hour later, and you still haven’t seen your doctor.

            This can be upsetting. Yet, it happens time and again. You’re thinking, “Hey, my time is valuable too! I wish there was something that I could do to vent my frustrations.”

            Well... read on, my frustrated friend. The following tips are sure to help you fight back against the “waiting room blues.” If not, you will at least get a chuckle out of them!

            After 30 Minutes
            Bring a fresh pack of Hubba Bubba® bubble gum and challenge yourself to blow the biggest bubble in history. Keep trying. When the gum looses its elasticity, snap it and pop it to the beat of your favorite song.

            After 45 Minutes
            If no one understands your bubble gum lyrics, sing the song. Be sure to project your voice. You might even want to coordinate a sing-a-long with other patients.

            After 60 Minutes
            Still waiting? If you have children with you, let them practice their favorite instrument—again and again and again. If you don’t have a child, borrow someone else’s.

            After 90 Minutes
            It’s obviously going to be a while, so start ripping advertisements out of the outdated magazines. If you happen to have a Sharpee® marker, add some new style trends to the fashion kings and queens.

            After 2 Hours
            If you’ve waited so long that your stomach is starting to growl, put your free cell phone minutes to use and order Chinese food. Have it delivered to the waiting room. The aroma of the food is sure to get you some attention.

            After 2½ Hours
            By now, you must be feeling somewhat perturbed. Practice the feng shui techniques you’ve been hearing so much about and rearrange the furniture in the lobby. Your new environment is sure to clear your mind of negative thoughts.

            Anything Past 3 Hours
            All of that Chinese food, singing, and physical labor sure can be exhausting! Pull out the mini portable tent and your inflatable mattress and nap away. When you wake up, your doctor just may be ready to see you.

            (Editor’s Note: The above-stated suggestions do not imply endorsement either by the author or by RSN. Please use only for the purpose of a hearty laugh!)



            I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Jokes

              Thanks Marina, here goes a third time!

              Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
              "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

              *************************



              In a Podiatrist's office:

              "Time wounds all heels."

              **************************



              On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :

              Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

              **************************



              On another Septic Tank Truck:

              "We're #1 in the #2 business"

              **************************



              At a Proctologist's door:

              "To expedite your visit please back in."

              **************************



              On a Plumber's truck:

              "We repair what your husband fixed."

              **************************



              On another Plumber's truck:

              "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

              **************************



              On a Church's Billboard:

              "7 days without God makes one weak."

              **************************



              At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

              "Invite us to your next blowout."

              **************************



              On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

              "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

              **************************



              At a Towing company:

              "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

              **************************



              On an Electrician's truck:

              "Let us remove your shorts."

              **************************



              In a Nonsmoking Area:

              "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

              **************************

              On a Maternity Room door:

              "Push. Push. Push."

              **************************



              At an Optometrist's Office :

              "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

              **************************



              On a Taxidermist's window:

              "We really know our stuff."

              **************************



              On a Fence:

              "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

              **************************



              At a Car Dealership:

              "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

              **************************



              Outside a Muffler Shop:

              "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

              **************************



              In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

              "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

              **************************



              At the Electric Company :

              "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

              **************************



              In a Restaurant window :

              "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

              **************************



              In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

              "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

              **************************

              At a Propane Filling Station ,

              "Thank heaven for little grills."

              **************************



              And don't forget the sign at a

              Chicago Radiator Shop:

              "Best place in town to take a leak."
              __________________
              Lupus 1976
              Kidney failure
              Partial nephrectomy for kidney cancer in 2007
              10% function- getting ready for dialysis or transplant 2010
              Full nephrectomy for another kidney cancer on other side Dec.10th 2010
              Hemo following surgery for 5 weeks.
              Started CAPD Jan. 18th 2011
              Not diabetic.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Jokes

                Try this exercise

                Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

                With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

                Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

                Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

                Then after this, you too like me can progress to the next level

                SCROLL DOWN AND DON’T PEAK




                BIT MORE, YOU ARE NEARLY THERE




                OH COME ON NOW, DON’T GIVE UP NOW THAT YOU HAVE COME THIS FAR, SCROLL DOWN A BIT MORE



                After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag
                I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Jokes

                  I'm horrible about telling stories, but I'll tell you a preacher's funny:

                  One day a preacher was visiting a parishioner in the nursing home. The dear lady was not in her room upon his arrival, but the nurse attendant said that she should be returning anytime from the therapy room. So he was encouraged to wait for her in a chair by the bed.

                  As he was sitting beside her bed, he looked at the bedside table and there was a dish of peanuts. Oh how he loved peanuts!! He thought to himself that she probably wouldn't mind if he enjoyed a few so he got up his nerve to help himself! Yum, they were good.

                  The lady arrives back in the room and they shared wonderful fellowship together. As he was about to leave he had prayer with her, as was his custom to do. But before he left the room, he thought he should confess to her that he helped himself to her peanuts, actually wiping out the entire supply.

                  Her reply, "Oh, that is perfectly alright. My family brought them to me because they know how much I love chocolate covered peanuts, but because my dentures hurt me, I just sucked off the chocolate and put them back into the bowl!"
                  Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease, 17% renal function, 11 years
                  *Non diabetic *Non dialysis
                  High Blood Pressure, controlled


                  "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
                  ~Corrie ten Boom

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Jokes

                    I am blessed,
                    I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Jokes

                      Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
                      "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

                      "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

                      "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

                      "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

                      She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." .
                      I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Jokes

                        Best speeding excuse ever!


                        Nothing wrong with this senior citizen. This excuse makes sense to me.




                        When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do You know you were speeding?"
                        This 75-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:
                        "Yes, but ... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
                        The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
                        Makes perfectly good sense to me.
                        Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease, 17% renal function, 11 years
                        *Non diabetic *Non dialysis
                        High Blood Pressure, controlled


                        "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
                        ~Corrie ten Boom

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Jokes

                          An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

                          The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, the problems it causes in a marriage, and other long term effects of drinking.”

                          The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?”

                          The man replies, “My wife.”
                          I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Jokes

                            Children Are Quick
                            ____________________________________

                            TEACHER: Why are you late?
                            STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
                            --------------------------------------------------------
                            TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
                            MARIA: Here it is.
                            TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
                            CLASS: Maria.
                            ____________________________________
                            TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
                            JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
                            __________________________________________
                            TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
                            GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
                            TEACHER: No, that's wrong
                            GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
                            (I Love this child)
                            ____________________________________________
                            TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
                            DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
                            TEACHER: What are you talking about?
                            DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
                            __________________________________
                            TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
                            WINNIE: Me!
                            __________________________________________
                            TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
                            GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
                            _______________________________________
                            TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
                            MILLIE: I is..
                            TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
                            MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
                            ________________________________
                            TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
                            LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
                            ______________________________________
                            TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
                            SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
                            ______________________________
                            TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
                            CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

                            (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
                            ___________________________________
                            TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
                            HAROLD: A teacher
                            Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease, 17% renal function, 11 years
                            *Non diabetic *Non dialysis
                            High Blood Pressure, controlled


                            "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
                            ~Corrie ten Boom

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Jokes

                              A police academy graduate was being interviewed for his first job when asked what he would do if he had to arrest his own mother. The young man was quiet for a moment, then replied, "Call for backup."
                              sigpic

                              Comment

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