Jokes

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in our neighborhood.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
~~
~~

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

[CindyM]

Re: Jokes

LOVE these jokes! Don't know why I never noticed this thread before!

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

LOVE these jokes! Don't know why I never noticed this thread before!

Feel free to contribute to the thread

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old, pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth." Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?"

They say the old man had the lead...... for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[metrogirl]

Re: Jokes

^^^ LOL!!! That was priceless.

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

Making a Baby....

This is hilarious!



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to
use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'



Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'



'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'



'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'



'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat !.



After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'



'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'



'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'



'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results.'



'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.



'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'



'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.



The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he
said.



'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.



'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with..'



'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.



'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park
to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'



'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.



'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'



Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'



'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away..'



'Tripod?'



'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

The first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks,
"How much land do you have here?"

"About two acres" Jock replies.

"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.

"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

[metrogirl]

Re: Jokes

I'm passing this on because it worked for me. Dr. Phil on TV said that to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, takillya, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum!

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

I'm passing this on because it worked for me. Dr. Phil on TV said that to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, takillya, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum!

[Marina]

Re: Jokes

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says to her, "What's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! But he was always cheating on you, wasn't he?"

"Yes, that he was." she replied.

"So, at least that's over, now isn't it?" said the priest, trying to find at least a little good in


"Mary's time of woe. "Tell me," he went on, "did he have any last requests?"


"That he did, Father..."

"What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun!'

[Guest]

Re: Jokes

ohhhhh, really?