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I need advice on how to keep a new marriage strong w/husband w/renal failure

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  • dogparkdave
    replied
    Just treat him with kindness and let him do for him self.

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  • Pancho3
    replied
    Re: I need advice on how to keep a new marriage strong w/husband w/renal failure

    Yep Malibu. it really is O.K....

    I hope what I had to say helped. if you have any other questions concerning things from the " dark side " (male outlook) let me know.

    Sometimes I go away from the site for a bit, but my e-mail address is rather prominantly displayed under my friend Dirty Harry's quote.

    Have fun, ya'll, I gotta get ready to go for a "fistula-gram".

    I'm tellin' ya, the fun never ends......whoooooopeeeeee.

    Leave a comment:


  • malibu
    replied
    Re: I need advice on how to keep a new marriage strong w/husband w/renal failure

    pancho3 I am so glad you are here to represent the male. Seriously, we need your input. I too was glad to see the bluntness of your post but also think it was needed. Good thing: we can talk openly here.

    Since we are talking sex MM's sex drive has decreased as well. I don't say a word and whenever he is ready I never ever say no. If he expresses concern I play it down, rub his shoulders and tell him everything is OK. And it is!

    Leave a comment:


  • Pancho3
    replied
    Re: I need advice on how to keep a new marriage strong w/husband w/renal failure

    Good stuff everyone, I forgot to add one thing for the new hubby. Don't try too hard to make something happen, it is counter-productive.

    And Katie, expect the unexpected. He will find himself ready to perform when you least expect it. I used to catch my wife off guard every now and then. She is always good enough to realize that when the "equipment" shows up....it's time to go to work. I know how happy he will be when those times occur, so try not to shoot him down.

    It is a very complicated issue from the male point of view, unfortunately that is the only side I am speaking from. He is afraid if he cannot satisfy your needs you will look elsewhere for what you need, it is a natural response to this type of thing. Reassurance on your part will help him a lot but there is always that insecure feeling in the back of his mind. And it can be an obstacle.. So make hay when the sun is shining...or something like that

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  • chefnancy
    replied
    Re: I need advice on how to keep a new marriage strong w/husband w/renal failure

    I agree with Annie. This may be a bit TMI, but my ex is dead so he won't care. When I was a young newlywed my husband, who I later divorced, had some sexual arousal problems related to a heart problem he had. I was young and, I have to admit, not as understanding as I might have been. We just kept ignoring the problem and acting like nothing was wrong. We ended up divorcing. Looking back, I think if we had addressed the problem with a counselor we might have saved our marriage as we still deeply cared about one another until the day he died of cancer earlier this year. So I urge you to use a counselor to help you address your husband's health problems, their effect on both your sex life and your marriage as a whole, and ways in which you can work around these problems. It may be expensive, but it will be money well spent.

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  • Vicky
    replied
    Re: I need advice on how to keep a new marriage strong w/husband w/renal failure

    I'm with you here, I'm a newlywed too. Not quite a year and had no idea anythign was wrong with Dave medically. I knew about the diabetes and hypertension but whoopie, those were no big deal When Dave was diagnosed in December he was having a hard time accepting everything and feels guilty cause he says I didn't sign up for this. Well i signed up for it all and i'm here for the long haul, good, bad, sexless, full of sex, sick days, good days.

    It's a thing we have to live with and deal with when it comes around. It was scary to try sex for the first time after his surgery, but it went fine. It may not come as often as either of us would like, but it's like everything else in life you find other ways to compensate. we snuggle at night, we talk, we just deal with it without either of us feeling guilty. I don't push sex issues and we just take it from there. I'm not saying you just have to deal with it and not try to make it better or figure out something.

    Pancho was pretty blunt for sure, and that is what was needed I believe. too many are scared to talk about sex it's like it's taboo or something. There are many ways that you can satisfy each other withing actual penetration. Sit and talk with your husband, together i'm sure you can come up with all kinds of solutions that will fill your needs and wants.

    Counseling can be another great path to travel as long as you both are willing to openly talk to a therapist. otherwise, it's a waste of money.

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  • annie
    replied
    Re: I need advice on how to keep a new marriage strong w/husband w/renal failure

    Hi Katie-

    Unlike Pancho, I actually am a fan of couples counseling.

    I agree with Pancho that your husband's physical difficulties are likley related to his health problems/meds. However, couples counseling can be a really great tool to help you both work out your feelings/emotions regarding this issue. (and to help you learn some tips and tricks to get "going").

    An experienced marriage and family therapist/psychologist is trained to help you address all of the concerns you raised in your post, including the sexual difficulties. I don't know what state you live in, but be sure that if you do look into couples counseling, you work with a person who is accredited in your state (I would strongly suggest a psychologist, if possible). Ask your physician for a referral.

    I am also a newlywed (congrats to you, by the way!), am on PD, and experience "lack of enthusiasm" on occasion. For me, I can often "fake it to make it," meaning that even if I am not originally in the mood, once my hubby and I get together, I do enjoy our intimacy. (This is admittedly easier b/c I am a woman).

    Look into your options, and good luck!

    Leave a comment:


  • Pancho3
    replied
    Re: I need advice on how to keep a new marriage strong w/husband w/renal failure

    How was your sex life before your hubby got sick?

    My wife and I have been married for 30+ years and before mt kidney failure really took hold we used to "_ _ _ _ like rabbits", now after being on dialysis for 2+ years, my sexual appetite is unpredictable, and when I do get "horny", I need the assistance of Viagra.

    I hope I am not getting too deep into this subject, but I do realize the importance of good sex in a relationship, especially a newly married couple.

    What meds is he on, I have found some meds suppress the"urge". Have you tried sexual "experimentation", trying new things and approaches to initiate intimacy?

    I feel for you, but realize what he may be going through.

    I'm not a big fan of this, but you might seek out a marriage counselor to find out some possible underlying problem. Personally, I think his lack of enthusiasm is medically related.

    Don't give up. And remember, until you get this sorted out....you can "help yourself".

    Sorry if this seems a bit crude, but there is really no other way to address this issue.

    Good luck, and don't give up. Marriage is really a great thing.

    Leave a comment:


  • I need advice on how to keep a new marriage strong w/husband w/renal failure

    Thanks for all the responses!!
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