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trouble with the patient. pls help asap

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  • trouble with the patient. pls help asap

    Not sure if this is the right place as I havnt been on here for a while, but some of you may remember I had trouble with my boyf before sleeping all the time etc. Well, I think we've kinda overcome that now, mainly cos Im so exhausted by now I need a nap too I think.
    But the problem now is he is really getting on my nerves, I know that sounds awful given what hes going through etc, but even on his good days where he feels great I dont feel Im given enough appreciation. Its hard enough with him not pulling his weight enough sometimes, but this is really bad.
    I dont expect things in return normally especially in this situation, but I do everything for him, put him on and off the machine, look after him, make sure hes ok, offer him things, give him backrubs and neckrubs etc which he mainly asks for cos they make him feel better, but he asks for them all the time!! I dont mind and I offer them sometimes to be nice, but it all seems way too much when I cant even get a hug or a cuddle off him, even in passing, without having to ask or hint for one. thats awful I think after all I do for him.
    I want to know Im not just needed, but wanted. Thats just as important and I need a kiss, a peck, a hug and a 'i love you' now and then off his own back. mainly I just get a I love you before bed out of habit and i have to ask for that. I know once youre set into a relationship for a few years etc it isnt often said as much as it needs and should be, but a hug is no excuse.
    So tonight again, as always hes left for his dads, cos he cant rest cos Im going on and on at him too much apparantly. I offered him a backrub to make him feel better, then he asked for a second and more and more of it when I stopped to go to sleep. I didnt feel well, sickly, dizzy and cold etc and needed to go to sleep in the end, so I had to stop.
    He said dont worry if I dont want to but to give him more if i could so he could fall asleep while i was doing it (he has trouble sleeping at night alot, especially latley).
    I said I couldnt, at least not yet, cos i was tired and feeling rough.
    But he kept hinting, and then he did the most annoying thing ever.,.. that noise he always does. I cant describe it, but its a long loud droning groaning sound over and over, louder and louder and I know its real, but it sounds so put on. Does anyone know what im on about?
    Eventually I got annoyed and sat up and more or less just was funny. I know- its bad. but I am irritated from my womans monthly thing too, and I had just helped him out throughout my pain as always before helping myself as I always do every day and night without fail.
    He phoned his dad to pick him up, and then he left. Suprise suprise, home to daddy cos he'll look after him properly he said.
    And what do i do then!!!
    I cant help it if I lose it quickly wether its my fault, his or both of ours, cos Im so stressed. This isnt helping me either cos I dont know whats going on now, when or if hes coming back, and he has dialysis tomorrow that he cant miss, plus he said next time this happened (it happens alot) his dads going to be havng a talk to me. Like im a kid? He may be his son and hes all protective etc, but I got a life too and ive sacraficed alot of it without a thought for his son. I dont want to be wasting my time all the time and not be seen as anything more than a nurse or a maid.
    And this noise he does, its all day every day and night, and he doesnt do it round anyone else not even on the phone and even the coughs he does all day and night seem forced. I am sick of it. please someone help me get my relationship back on track.,

  • #2
    I'm pretty sure I know who this is. This has been going on for far too long. I still think you should leave him, whether he is a dialysis patient or not. He needs to grow up and accept his disease already. You can do better. Don't feel guilty just bc he is a dialysis patient. He is a person first, and a rotten one it seems. I've been telling you all along that you can do better, that you deserve better. So that's my opinion.
    Shannon
    KidneyFun // Kidney Korner // Organ donation awareness products!
    If the world didn't suck...........We'd all fall off!

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    • #3
      I agree with Shay.

      He has to grow up and act like an adult, even though he is dealing with a chronic disease. My husband is on home dialysis and if he acted like that I'd tell his father not to bring him back and take him to a clinic instead.

      Before he comes back to you he needs to get some therapy to learn how to live with his problems without abusing you. Grow a backbone and kick his a** to the curb. Sorry to be so blunt, but remember you asked, and I think you knew the answer already. ((HUGS))

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      • #4
        I, too, think it's time for you to move on. It takes a lot of compassion, self-sacrifice, patience and understanding to be a caregiver. My dh is on dialysis and has other health problems so a lot of my life has been put on hold, but I do it gladly. Also, many on dialysis lose their sex drive so that can also be a problem. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my husband, and I will care for him as long as I can. Yes, he sometimes gets on my nerves, but then I think how it would be without him. He isn't a demanding person and really tries to do everything for himself but there is still a lot he can't do. I also have a job. I am fortunate in having an aide that comes in while I work so I do get away 5 hours a day.

        You sound like a younger woman. This man sounds like he takes advantage of the situation. He may not be able to do everything he did before he got sick, but he should be doing something to help you. He should thank you for your help and not be execting a lot of extras.

        If his father tried to talk to me, I'd tell him to let his baby grow up and be a man. I sure wouldn't listen to him. Tell him to take the baby home and tend him himself.

        You deserve better.

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        • #5
          If you need further reinforcement, I agree with the others. It is time to end this. It would be bad enough if you were married, but you are not. I would get rid of him as fast as I could and don't look back. Don't let him guilt you into doing anything not in your best interests. I am a patient and I wouldn't expect even a hired caregiver to put up with what you have.
          To the stars through difficulty!

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          • #6
            wow

            i read ur post and it appears to me he uses the disease as a pitty tool to keep u at bay. who would do it for him if you didnt. you have to create some boundaries! i am a dialsysis patient too for 9 years now and yes i want to feel loved too but i would not want to push away the loved ones i have away by demanding too much of them. maybe he needs to see what life would be with out you to know what he missed out on. you sound like to good person. and i know many people in my center would kill to have someone who cared for them asyou do for him. . it could be a very lonely life all alone. maybe he takes you for granite you think?

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            • #7
              I agree with the others. It's hard for me to fathom because I don't have the benefits of backrubs, etc. Let him come to grips with it like the rest of us have.
              Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger...Neitzsche
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