Feelings of Caregiver

[meg]

My husband was diagnosed with acute kidney failure in August 07. He was on diaylsis till Dec 10 07. Now he is Stage 4 with GFR 20 and 11.5 RBC ,he also contracted Bells Palsy while hospitalized. All his blood levels are good, except for the anemia . I cook everything from scratch, no salt on anything. I resigned from my job as a CFO at an AD agency to get him off diaylsis, and now my goal is stage 3. He has had biopsy and spinal tap and no real findings on the cause of acute kidney failure. In June of 07 his GFR was over 60 . So it all was a schock .
Now he is a very angry individual , he always was type A, but now is worse, he nags at me about the smallest thing , he will. not discuss his feelings when I ask if he is afraid he might have to go back on diaylsis. When I ask how he feels he just says not 100% . But will not be specific .
He always was very careful almost miserly with money. But we are comfortable, own home, have savings and investments. Now is even worse about the money , he did not buy me a Xmas or birthday present because he says we cannot afford it. HIs doctor had recommended that he take meditatation classes to control his temper. I thought he would be thankful he lived thru his 6 weeks in hospital ( he coded twice) and he would change his outlook . But that is for movies I guess.
I see a therapist, he refuses. He says I have a problem , he doesnt. It is just so hard not to lash out at him, I do not want overwhelming gratitude , but I am tired of the abuse.
Any suggestions?

[shay_pcb]

It sounds like he is just having a really hard time coping with it. He does need to talk to someone though...Maybe even if it's just his DR. You could talk to the DR about it before he goes in, then just leave him alone with the DR. Sorry, that's all I can think to do...

[shopgal516]

I agree with shay he does need to talk to a professional about his feelings. This is a lot to handle for him and you right now. My grandmother is on dialysis and has been since June, although she was never angry and nagging she was very needy she acted like she could not do anything for herself. Right now you should try to be understanding and put up with him the way he is. I would let him know that you are here for him and are available for him to talk to. When my grandfather was sick with cancer he was very hateful speaking to my grandmother and she had to let him know that she was there for him but he could not speak to her like that. Also, as a caregiver myself I cannot express enough to you to take time for yourself. If it is just once a week it will really make a difference. If i do not take time for myself I am depressed, cranky, and have insomnia. Just going to see a movie makes difference. I will be praying for you and your husband and I am sure things will get better for you both.

[flipw]

You need to speak with his doctor. He needs to be on medication whether he wants to or not. It isn't unusual to lash out at people when you are sick but this isn't your fault.

[chefnancy]

A lot of people who endure a near death experience are angry, and sometimes they don't even know why. You do need to set limits as to how much you will allow him to take his anger out on you. As the others have said, indicate that you are there for him but will not take abuse. However, it kind of sounds like you have set out to be his medical savior. Maybe at some basic level this scares him or he doesn't like to be beholden to you for his well-being or something like that. He really needs to discuss his feelings with someone and if he won't see a counselor then his dr. is going to have to run point on this. Anger can be a good thing if it is a stage he is passing through on the way to something more productive, but it also can be a prime indicator of severe depression, among other things. You need professional advice on this one.

[taw]

Re: Feelings of Caregiver

I can relate...my husband is on dialysis....almost three months....and can say some pretty hurtful things .....and they do leave scars on my heart........I know he is sick..but I am about to lose it........

[Jim Jo]

Re: Feelings of Caregiver

I know it probably won't help but please know you are not in this by yourself. My husband has been on dialysis almost 10 years and every day he just seems to be harder to deal with. He also has some really bad heart and lung problems. He is on oxygen 24 hours a day, and is confined to a wheel chair because his heart is so weak. The heart problem has gotten a lot worse in the past year, but he has had some problems for almost 20 years. He has never been one to think of anyone before himself and that just seems to get worse. We have been married over 30 years and he has never wished me a happy birthday or happy anniversary, in fact he never mentions them at all, yet he gets angry if I don't have a family dinner on his birthday. Everytime I tell him I just need someone to talk to his response is always -- "well, I'm just not one to listen to folks when they are *****ing", and if I continue he just starts listing every fault I have ever had.

He sleeps all day and gets angry at me if I don't stay up with him at night. There is never any joy or laughter in our home because he thinks it is foolish. We do everything when and how he wants it done, and if I try to do something different, he absolutely throws a fit.

He is the oldest of six children, and one of his sisters lives with his Mother and cares for her -- and several years ago he and his sister had a few harsh words, and he has refused to go see his Mother ever since, and of course he blames his sister saying "I can't see my Mother because Lynn won't let me."

How can anyone deal with someone like this. I am so tired of living this way I could scream, but every day it just seems to get worse. I have begged him to go with me for some marriage counseling but to him that is "pure foolishness".

Sorry to keep going, but it is a miserable life. Thanks for listening. Jimmie Jo

[taw]

Re: Feelings of Caregiver

hey Jim Jo .......just checking on you.......taw...(another caregiver)

[brandy]

Re: Feelings of Caregiver

Jim Jo -- I am not where you are but I do feel you need some time away and hour aor so just for you not any one else . It gives you time to take a breather. I look at it this way .If yu just need someone to talk to give me an e-mail. I think my email is posted in my personel makeup. Ill check , if not I will pm you later.

[P8tience]

Re: Feelings of Caregiver

Hi i am new here as of like today. However I have been taking care of my husband since day one. I just took him home from the hospital monday for trying to commit suicide by NOT going to dialysis. I am proud that he took the initative and asked to go to the hospital in the first place. He has been on in center hemo since November 2007.
I am a huge advocate of therapy. And I also have to say sometimes doing the right thing hurts worse than anything. Go visit a friend for a week, I have done that with Ron in the past. I came back to a guy who realized how much I do for him and a better outlook. another is the threat of abandonment. My ultimatums of leaving if he doesnt follow through on therapy are very real and he knows it.

I know this sounds cruel, almost cold in a way. And what works for me might not work for you. But if you do anything, get yourself a councler or a pastor or someone who can give you solid coping mechanisims.

I met my husband in June of 2006, two weeks later he had his 1st of 5 heart attacks. His dialysis is the product of Hypertension he had since he was 14. He was one of those children who was not seen or heard and never really cared for himself. Now he wants to live, and keeps getting sicker. He has scar tissue in his brain from removal of a tumor and has chronic migraines and faints when you least expect it. Just remember life can be oh so much worse than it is today ~In Gasso~

[P8tience]

Re: Feelings of Caregiver

Kettle I think that will be my new mantra!
"it is my goal to take care of myself so i can take care of my husband.
thats my full time job right now. anyone wants to interfere and make that job harder, they need to go find something else to do."

[soniyajack]

Re: Feelings of Caregiver

Caregivers do so much for their loved ones. Some of the tasks include, bathing, dressing, cleaning, shopping, the list goes on. Caregiversrs come in all ages, male or female, all income levels. Some caregivers are automatically put in the caregiver role. This can be seen in the child who is now caring for their parent.

[Grandson]

Re: Feelings of Caregiver

The caregiving roll has been thrust upon me by other family members.
I live closeby and they live out of state with their own families... I'm not married, no kids and it was just assumed I'd take the duty.. I have pretty much given up everything including my freedom and and type of life I had..
I had to move in here and last year quit my job because my employer was not willing to work around their Doctor visits..

Dont get me wrong.. I love both my Grandparents very much and Do this for them is not something I consider to be a major chore..

I am however full of resentment for their sons and daughters Including my own mother.

I have one Aunt who told me.. what do you expect everyone to do?? Drop everything??
Like thats not what I had to do..and did..

Next month Grandpa is going to start Dyalisis, he refused to attend the free classes offered by Davita..
We both know he will not even try to follow any type of a diet.
We also both know that after about a month or so of treatments he will refuse to go anymore..

I'm glad this place is here because i'm pretty much at my wits end..
It's quite obvious that nobody in my family understands what my Grandmother and myself are going through,
Not even sure if they care at this point..

[kenp]

Re: Feelings of Caregiver

Hey Grandson
I am new to this site but your post got my attention and felt the need to respond. Even if it was thrust on you I do commend you for taking on the responsibility of careing for your grandparents. No matter the hardship I promise one day you will look back and feel the pride in what you are doing.
I know exactly what you are feeling for I have been a family caregiver various times in my life. First with my grandfather when I was 23, my mother 9 years later and now my elderly aunt and uncle. I have each time had to suspend my career in order to provide the care they have needed and yes each time there was little or no assitance from the family as is the case now.
But this is not about me it is about you...
Be strong and know what you are doing is one of the greastest gifts you can offer. Never expect help just apreciate it if it does come even if it is just a small thing. A caregivers role is never easy for the sacrifice at times is huge and much of what we do doesnt come with recognition or praise.
Take some time to do things for yourself even if it is just as simple as playing on the internet while they nap. I am a sports nut myself so while they nap I dive in on the net and read, post, and talk with my net buds about the NFL, it is a nice simple break.
I wish you the best and know your not alone out there for many folks are there with you.....
SNOOPY always says keep your chin up for you never know whats going to fall off the table!