Mother is talking about stopping dialysis

[FernandoMacias]

My mother has been on peritoneal dialysis for almost 10 years. I am not sure at the moment. She is not a candidate for a transplant. She turned 79 today and is getting weaker and weaker and Dad says she has no quality of life and is talking about stopping dialysis and going on hospice. My husband and I are going to where they live tomorrow and learn more and I'm sure have some difficult discussions. I am an only child. I am torn between knowing on one hand how difficult life has been for her, especially more recently and the other hand of not wanting to lose her. Any words of wisdom. Having a hard time dealing with this and know I need to be strong for my parents tomorrow and in the future.

Hey iowaoly, There are many different situations in life, and know that whatever happens, is meant to happen. At 79, and getting weaker and weaker on dialysis, can be very difficult. Remember, when Jesus was on the cross, He had to pull himself up everytime He wanted to breath, which was extremely difficult when in such a weaken state. He did this for several hours until He could no longer do it and He died. God bless.
P.S. Remember that death is simply rebirth into everlasting life.

[sfuentes13]

To; "iowaoly", I am the only child to my father who has been on PD 5 years now. My mom died 3 years ago. My dad is 74 years old. When he was diagnosed with diabetes back in 1986, he was told that he can live a long good life if he obeys and follows his Dr's advice on nutrition and medication. At that time, he had the opportunity for a live donor, but refused. Then in 2000 a Ms was found in his left kidney. Again, the live donor was available. Again, he refused. Now, here we are, 2016, he has the right kidney at 3% functioning, his health has deteriorated dramatically. He now has atrilfibrilation and neurosis in his legs. Now, he wishes that he listened to the Dr's and the live donor, and accepted the the kidney. I told dad, that now that his health is so poor, he would not survived the surgery, even though the live donor would still offer the kidney to him, even now. What I am getting at is this; being the live donor for my father, he refused me 3 times, but I, to this day have not and will not give up on my dad. Life is too precious. Though he did not take my kidney, I did and have been doing everything in my power to make his living tolerable. Sometimes, a parent, and or spouse are looking for the Easy way out because they feel that they have become a burden to the family. In my case, I tell my dad each and every day that he is not and never will be a burden to me....ever. If you show that attitude to your family member, an d especially if you are caring for them, that's when they will want to check out, e.i, want to die. That's when they feel that you would be better off without them here. Can you live withthat thought? Truly think about it. If you cannot care for them, then a nursing home is the next best thing, because they would get round the clock care. In this essence, you are still caring for them because that shows that you love them and don't want them to die. Think about it.

[jeffwoods]

I am 51 now and I was on dialysis for almost ten years and the lack of energy drains you, more because the mind still wants to do the things you want but the body cannot keep up.This was very depressing and I often thought of stopping and other quicker things, but I had three kids ( 2 to 8) and a lovely wife, the only thing that would cheer me up was a random visit or a quick day trip ( riding around Walmart on the handicapped carts was always good for a lift )

[Terlee75]

You are lucky to have had her for 79 years. My husband's mother chose not to do dialysis at all and died at 61 I believe. My husband is now just starting dialysis at 39. I think my husband would tell you that you were lucky she chose dialysis for 10 years. You received 10 more years of life with her. Be thankful for that and like others said, respect her decision. I have yet to lose a parent which is difficult to imagine, but watching my grandparents and aunt suffer at the end was so much harder to get past than family members who have died without the suffering. She will be in a far better place and will always be with you watching over your family from heaven.

[Rommie71]

despite what anyone else tells you...there ARE worse things than death.

[fineday]

I think that you should honor your Mother's wishes if she has decided after 10 years she's had enough of dialysis. I'm sure your concerns are for your surviving father and how he will cope after she is gone, but I'm also sure that he wants the best for her also, and has seen her cope with her illness for this long. Letting go is harder on you and your Father, than it will be for her. Letting her know that you love her, and only want the best is the most important thing you can do.

[ForHer2]

My father suffered from liver failure. He was in and out of the hospital on a regular basis. He was 87. One day in the hospital he told Mom "I love you. And I love my kids(all 7 of us) but I want to go home". He passed quietly with all of us there a week later. His meds kept him comfortable. I believe if you are able you should be able to make your own choices as to end of life. Not easy on the family and less so on the patient. Most important love them while you have them.

[iowaoly]

My parents are in an elderly living community and Mom just had to go to the skilled nursing part of it 2 weeks ago. They live almost two hours away and chose to stay in the area where they have lived the past 40plus years.

[joyce4len]

May I offer a suggestion. Could you possibly take your parents back home with you for 2 weeks or a month? Your Mom may be depressed and needs TLC and a change of scene. I know that this could be difficult to do and your parents may be resistant but you can do anything for a week or a month even if you can't do it long term. I certainly agree with all of the others who replied, she needs support, she may need hospice, she may need to have her nephrologist go over her case and adjust prescriptions, but she may also need to feel better about herself as well.

[iowaoly]

Yes..she has always been on peritoneal dialysis at home and refuses to ever go back to hemodialysis even if she gets peritonitis.

I appreciate all your opinions and input at this difficult time

[M3Riddler]

My mother has been on peritoneal dialysis for almost 10 years. I am not sure at the moment. She is not a candidate for a transplant. She turned 79 today and is getting weaker and weaker and Dad says she has no quality of life and is talking about stopping dialysis and going on hospice. My husband and I are going to where they live tomorrow and learn more and I'm sure have some difficult discussions. I am an only child. I am torn between knowing on one hand how difficult life has been for her, especially more recently and the other hand of not wanting to lose her. Any words of wisdom. Having a hard time dealing with this and know I need to be strong for my parents tomorrow and in the future.

Lowaoly,

Has her nephrologist ever informed her about home dialysis? This gives you much more independance as well as she will feel much better as there will not be ups and downs in her labwork. She will be more stable. Most on home dialysis are able to be taken off blood pressure meds which is an added plus. You can do home hemo as well as Peritoneal Dialysis at home. I have been on dialysis for over 20 years. If she is not feeling well on dialysis, her treatment prescription may just be an ;"out of the book" prescription. Dont be afraid to education yourself and ask questions. Information is power. The treatment should be centered around her as an individual. She may be running at too high of a blood flow as well as removing too much fluid/ too much fluid too fast. Faster blood flow does not equate to a better treatment.

[MCrawford]

Unfortunately I know what you are going through. My SO has been suggesting the desire to stop dialysis at the young age of 33 however I cant imagine... We have a 7 year old together and that would mean me raising him not only alone but him growing up without his daddy ( I know I just sounded selfish but its true). If you think like me you feel like they are just giving up on life.. But I have started taking an outlook from their perspective... Dialysis from what I see with him is draining time consuming and very upsetting.. a limb amputation just intensifies the whole disease even worse.. But we have to be there to support whatever decisions they make. Your mother has had a wonderful 79 years of life.. If she is mentally stable enough I would suggest allowin her to make this decision and stand beside her. Its hard and knowing the facts about stopping dialysis makes it harder.. Keep your head up and be there to support her and your father. We as children as we grow older have to eventually learn to let go of our parents Stay Strong for you mom and dad...

[dicknh]

I agree with mamasanford entirely. I f she has the mental capacity to make decisions I would honor them.

[mamasanford]

This is tough........there are no "easy' answers. Just being there will mean a lot to both your parents. If your mom still has the mental capacity to make an informed decision, give her the dignity of your support either way. Chin up, shoulders back, this too, shall pass..............

[iowaoly]

My mother has been on peritoneal dialysis for almost 10 years. I am not sure at the moment. She is not a candidate for a transplant. She turned 79 today and is getting weaker and weaker and Dad says she has no quality of life and is talking about stopping dialysis and going on hospice. My husband and I are going to where they live tomorrow and learn more and I'm sure have some difficult discussions. I am an only child. I am torn between knowing on one hand how difficult life has been for her, especially more recently and the other hand of not wanting to lose her. Any words of wisdom. Having a hard time dealing with this and know I need to be strong for my parents tomorrow and in the future.