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Losing sense of self

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  • Losing sense of self

    I seem to have lost my sense of self, as I am so focused on caring for my mother.
    I used to consider myself intelligent, friendly, interesting somewhat, and motivated. I can't see that person anymore. I am caring for, or making phone calls for, or filling out forms for, or going to one appointment or another for Mom. I am not meaning to complain because I know that I can take better care of her than anyone else 😏, and I know that she depends on me completely.

    There is a cost, though. I am experiencing some health issues related to stress. I have a lowered immune system and have become more prone to infections. I have lost 20# because I'm either too tired to bother with getting something for myself or the very thought of any food is nauseating. I take multivitamins and try to drink a lot of water. Needless to say, I am constantly exhausted. I have lost the person that I knew as me.

    How does everyone else manage this?

  • #2
    Hi jays1030, thank you for sharing so openly here. My name is Kelsey - I'm the myDaVita community manager and can help answer questions you may have about the platform.

    Have you had a chance to speak with a local social worker? They may be able to help guide you through the challenges of being a care partner. Your mom is lucky to have you!

    Wishing you and your family all the best.


    • #3

      Thank you for your kind words. I know you've heard this many times, but it truly is just a day to day process. Jean


      • #4
        Jay, hang in there I am in the same situation. I try to manage as much as possible. Many a day i do feel like I am on the pity pot!!!!!


        • #5
          Jay, I so understand where you are at. My husband, 75, is two years on hemodialysis with so many comorbidities, I have a hard time telling which illness is causing it? I fetch and clean, care and fetch. He uses a wheelchair, doesn't think he can tolerate a walker, so lift and lift everyday. get sick or "broken" what is he going to do? Jay, I see so many wonderful people who are caretakers, medical staff and patients, but I now know that reaching that happy person your mom (and my husband) once was, is never going to happen, so you must strive to do every little thing to take care of yourself. Call every agency, friend to stay with Mom while you attend appointments for yourself. I have been told I take excellent care of hubbie, but he demands more and more of me everyday.. I have no more time or physical strength to give, so I am reaching out to all Davita staff, and they are busy too. I do believe I will never go on dialysis. I see no purpose unless your health WILL improve from it. Dialysis just sustains until your heart gives out. I will not do this to my family.


          • #6
            My dear I seem to be loosing myself as well. Always remember you are not alone in such a situation. Everyone on this earth has a problem, some less and some more. My advice to you seek help, go to a social worker, support group, they will give you the tools to overcome this sense of lost. Have a support network to lift you up, when your down. Your mother is so lucky to have you and you are doing the best you can. You are still intelligent, friendly etc... do not loose yourself in these struggles. Find time for yourself, do something that makes you at least 2 times a week to give you the boost to go throough the other 5 days. Do not feel guilty, you are doing the best you can but at the same time you must live your life with some sense of pleasure and happiness.


            • #7
              I am the Mom in this scenario. My sons take excellent care of me but I worry about their well being. One is sick a lot and the other seems to have little patience with other people although he probably really has the problem with me but won't show it to me. I am so thankful for both of them but worry about their lives and happiness. I try to give back to them in every way I can but I'll never make up for what they're giving up for me. My advice for what its worth is to take special care of yourself as your Mom probably feels bad for what she's putting you though and would only want you to be happy, I know it breaks my heart to see my boys working so hard for me that they don't take care of themselves. The only way I can accept their help and take care of myself is to know they are doing the same. If you really want to help her you'll take care of yourself too. Good luck and from this Mom I say thank you for caring so much about your Mom and to make it easier for her to accept your help take good care of yourself.